Day 101

It's been a rough week. My anxiety has been out of control for a period of time. It came to a peak a few days ago when I ended up being sent, by ambulance, literally across a street for a migraine and multiple panic attacks. I know. Stupidest reason to end up in an ER ever. I had been at the drs office for a series of tests on my heart (just precautionary tests) when all hell broke loose. I couldn't eat or drink pre-appointment, which wasn't made until mid-afternoon. By the time I got there I had a pretty good migraine going. I was thinking I just needed to run through these tests and then I could eat and drink and the migraine would fade. Halfway through the testing, though, with a blood pressure cuff tether to each of my 4 limbs, I suddenly knew I was going to start throwing up. And I did, several times. Then the anxiety set in, because they asked me who was there with me and who they could call (answer: no one. my husband, my protector and caretaker, is dead). This made my anxiety shoot up and as my blood pressure increased (they kept checking it every few minutes), the pain in my head got worse and worse. I couldn't sit still. I was applying pressure to my head with my hands. Someone pulled my hands away. I was sitting up because laying down made the pain worse, they were pushing me back to lie down. With every attempt from a healthcare worker to restrain my movements, the anxiety spiked. They eventually called for an ambulance. i kept saying "i'm sure it's just a migraine" and i kept apologizing. They were doing everything they could to soothe me. cold washcloths, cups of coffee, a graham cracker, keeping the lights dim, etc. By the time the ambulance came the entire heart and vascular center was lining the hallway. There was at least 20-25 people watching me being wheeled out. in any case, i made the trek across the street by ambulance, and had another full panic attack during the ride. I begged them to remove the blood pressure cuff, the heart monitor, the tiny oxygen monitor on the tip of my finger. I couldn't handle any of it. DUring this course of events, I must have been asked by 4 or 5 people "so, you're married? your emergency contact is robert"... i don't know why the first person to update the computer couldn't get the information to the other, but it was this constant reminder than the person who cares most about my well-being, who soothes me when i feel terrible, is gone. Two days later I was at an appointment to get my medication adjusted. I'm on a new cocktail of 3 different medicines to combat some of these issues. I'm hopeful that this new mi, or some variation of it will help, but so far, i feel the same. i know, it's only been 12 hours. the meds don't work that fast. but i feel a weird lack of concentration. is that a side effect? i don't want to feel like a robot going through the motions or unable to complete the tasks that I need to complete.