Day 91

just watched one of the girls who works at Starbcks with her boyfriend / husband / significant other. he came in with flowers for her. They were beautiful, orange gerbera daisies (which i love). they were so sweet together. he kissed her on the head and i just sat watching, missing my own head kisses. missing robert talking about "gibberish daisies"... i'd be lying if i didn't admit to being jealous of other people's love right now. i miss my love. nice weather is when you're supposed to spend long days with your love, holding hands, swinging on swings, taking adventures. We've been robbed of that. in addition, i feel like a robot. i spend chunks of the day just staring, blankly. i look in the mirror and my face is devoid of emotion. it looks aged, mind you, but just devoid of any thought at all. i can't imagine the joy ever returning. that's not to say there aren't moments when i smile or laugh. my friends are good at making those things happen, but when i look back at smiling pictures, it doesn't feel real. it feels like time stopped, but the background is on a rolling spindle, so it keeps changing while i stand still. next week i see the p-doc, for an evaluation and potential med additions / changes. my therapist is pretty confident that something needs to change med-wise. i can't help but wonder if new meds will just make me feel even more robotic and out of it.