Day 33

i'm at that point where I run into people and they don't know whether to say something or not. Sometimes they do... sometimes they give me a hug (acknowledging what has happened without saying it), and sometimes they just pretend. i don't blame them. i get it. it's uncomfortable. i've lost the love of my life, i'm out in public, and i've acknowledged all over social media that i cry in public all the time right now... so no one wants to be the person who sets me on a crying jag. The thing is, anything and nothing can set me off. The nice weather the other day had me losing it in the office. Because these nice days are supposed to be our days to finally enjoy. No school, no other obligations, THIS is supposed to be our time. But it's not. Our time is in the past and fuck, that is incredibly painful to say. we had so many plans. little plans and big plans, but there was so many. I feel cheated. I feel lost. I feel totally fucking broken. That is the feeling I keep coming back to. I can't concentrate. I can't think. My partner is missing. My teammate is gone. I'm totally broken. Not only can I not figure out how to do this, I don't WANT to. I found the person I wanted to spend my life with. I found the person who accepted all of me; who found me beautiful despite my flaws, who saw my intelligence, who found me kind and loving. I know there will never be a person who will look at me the way he did. That's killing me right now. We're supposed to have another 50 years of baby talk and sweet notes and loving touches and every other tiny detail. I fucking hate this.