Day 34

I'm trying to log, somehow, this process. that's what these posts are. unedited, stream of consciousness rambling messages to myself. i'm hoping at some point in the future these thoughts will help me figure out where i started and where i hopefully have moved forward to. Right now i'm totally overwhelmed with an inability to concentrate. I am in the office regularly, though with much flexibility to take care of all of these things that need taking care of. For the most part, though, I'm working on my "normal" schedule. I can't perform my job functions, though... not the way I should. Things that should take me 10 minutes take me 3 hours, and even then I'm so unsure of the work that I've completed that I have to have someone review it before it can be released. I ebb and flow through some level of feeling sick to my stomach nearly all day. I still feel the very real flashes of physical anxiety that run from the bottom of my belly up into my chest when the worst thoughts pass through my head. Waves of tears run down my face, brought on by memories, or sunshine (literally - the nice weather is making me incredibly sad), or someone telling me that I'm doing a good job. People are trying to support me. When people say kind thngs, it's upsetting because I don't WANT to be good at this. I don't want to be good at holding it together, or taking care of paperwork; I don't want to be good at finding long since forgotten vital information. I don't want to be good at being a widow. And the thing is, I'm NOT any good at it. People tell me I'm doing great, when I'm falling apart. My boss tells me that I'm doing fine, when she knows it shouldn't take me hours to do the simplest task. I'm not doing fine. People are cutting me slack. I'm appreciative of that. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm not. If people weren't cutting me slack right now, I'd have self-destructed by now. This shit is HARD. Robert was TRULY my teammate. He was my partner. I counted on his support and help, and he gave it, freely, to me. And now I miss it terribly. I feel weak. i AM weak. I'm half of what I was.