Day 31

i've been posting a lot on social media. i get that some people might look at it and think i shouldn't be exposing my every last thought, or perhaps i shouldn't be on social media at all. here's the thing... i don't know what else to do? there are times when i'm overcome with a sadness so deep and thick that i am certain i can't breathe. when i'm sobbing so hard i can't get words to come out. whatever i post on social media doesn't begin to hit the depths of what i' actually experiencing, but it somehow helps me come back from the edge of feeling overwhelmed. i still haven't begun to truly process what this death means. i can't believe i will really never see him again. when i watch videos, i can't believe he is really gone. i went to the mall yesterday, because it's a place where we often found ourselves. and there i was, walking aimlessly, looking for him. expecting to walk around that familiar corner and have him standing there in the pen shop, talking to his friends and waiting to meet me. he wasn't there. i kept looking. he wasn't at the apple store, or the tea shop. he wasn't there. he isn't here anymore. i don't know how to do this. i truly, truly never thought i would ever find anyone to love me. and then i found this person, who was perfectly suited to me. and now he's been taken away. so while i appreciate every minute i got to spend being loved by him, i feel cheated. i feel robbed. why experience such a wonderful feeling only to have it stolen away? we should have had at least another 47 years. i always told him he was stuck with me for at least 50 years after we got married. After that, we'd talk. I only got 1,071 days of marriage. I was given exactly 2,293 days with him from the day we met. In those 2,293 days he became the person i trusted most in the world. the first person i wanted to tell when something good happened, or something bad. the person who would hold me up when i needed it, and who i did my best to hold up when he needed it. the only person who knew every inch of me. this cant be real.