Day 57

I feel like I've taken a couple steps backwards in my grief. It's getting worse, not better. I miss Robert so much. I feel physical pain from the grief. Today I was walking out to the car and that awful movie flashed through my head. The one where I found the love of my life and he wasn't okay. It causes me a crazy anxiety that shoots up from the bottom of my belly straight through my chest. It's an electric feeling that causes me an incredible sudden panic. It happened for no reason. It usually does. Sometimes I will hear a word that will trigger the movie to play, but it seems it just comes up whenever it wants. How do people survive this kind of pain? How do you survive the loss of your best friend, your partner, your teammate? How do you go on when you know that every thing you had planned, or put off, will never happen? How do you go on when the only person who ever loved you is just gone? All the little sweet things he did? They're gone too. Whenever Robert had to turn the light on while I was sleeping he would gently warn "shield your eyes". It's a tiny thing, but he did it every time and it was thoughtful. He warmed my hands. He gave me his veggies (which he would ask for on a separate plate so they didn't touch his meat). He put gas in my car, and cleared the snow off of it. He held my hand. He kissed my forehead when he got up from the table. He told me he loved me a dozen times a day. Just the idea that I haven't heard him say "I love you" in 8 weeks makes my chest hurt. I have actually heard it, because he sent me a video of him saying it once, the goofy way we always said it, with an exaggerated smooch sound and a giggle, on a day when I was having a bad day. I've watched it a lot. It's not the same as having him here, loving me, kissing me goodnight and telling me he loves me. I miss his arms around me. I miss his smell. I miss the feel of his skin, and the little brown spot in his green eyes. I even miss him getting snappy and accusing me of "wanting to scrap". I would take an angry, grumpy Indio over no Indio in a heartbeat.