Day 186

So it's officially September, which means it's birthday month. I can't get the idea out of my head that Robert won't be singing me his silly birthday song this year. I've been trying to find a copy of it recording as an audio message or short video and so far I've had no luck. It really is breaking my heart. It's such a silly little thing, but it was tradition. Our tradition. This year there will be no birthday adventure, not for my day or his. I know what I would be getting him if he were here, and I could guess what he would be getting me. None of that matters now. This year I'll be flying down to surprise my mother for her birthday, which is 2 days before mine. I hope the surprise is a good surprise. I also hope that the excitement of surprising her will overshadow the obvious anxiety that will come from returning to the place where my husband passed away, from laying in the last bed we slept in together (we took a wonderful nap mid-afternoon on the day he passed). What I wouldn't give to get the chance to nap with him today. As humid and awful as it is, I'd never let him go. This journey, it changes, but it doesn't get easier.