So I was leary when
they told me I had PTSD. I think of PTSD as something
soldiers struggle with, after being in war. I wasn't in a
war. But over the
weekend I got a glimpse of just how a milder case of PTSD
might work. I went to
the fireworks for the Fourth of July, with my friend autumn
and her family. As
we were leaving the park, we passed the backyards of a lot
of houses, most of
them having parties and buzzing with life. One house,
though, with a pool in the
yard, was quiet. The pool was above ground but the lights
were on in the water.
I could see the shadow of something in the water. I was sure
it was a a body. My
anxiety grew and I fought my body's urge to run over and
check to make sure I
was wrong. This, apparently, will be one of the ways my PTSD
shows itself. Like
when autumn and I took her boys to the park, and they were
out of sight and I
knew there was a creek. I couldn't settle down. I needed to
see the boys to know
they weren't in the creek. This is how my PTSD shows itself.
When someone is
swimming and puts their face in the water to snorkel, I
panic. This is how my
PTSD shows itself.
My husband had a massive heart attack, but he was in the hot
tub, alone, when it
happened. I found him, they estimate 2 hours later, floating
face down. I screamed
and screamed for
help. I tried to get him out of the hot tub, but couldn't physically
do it. You know that
superhero like strength people supposedly have when
their
adrenaline spikes? I
didn't have that I couldn't do it with help.
So while my mom
called 911, I held him, begging him to
come back to me, for the
several minutes it
took for the first responder to show up. I knew he was
gone.
His body wasn't soft
and limber. He had foam coming from his nose. I knew he was
gone,
so I just begged him
to come back. I held him on my lap, face next to his, crying
and begging him. It
seems an eternity before I finally heard the siren coming
in
the distance. Now
when I hear a siren in the distance, my anxiety shoots up. This is
another way my ptsd
shows itself. Last night I showed an adorable picture of him to
my
friend
Autumn.
"It doesn't seem
like he could really just not exist anymore, does
it?"
because, really, it
still doesn't feel real.
it could all be a nightmare made up by my head.
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