like burnt coffee

i'm turning into such a bitter person. instead of seeing people in love, being sweet with one another and thinking how wonderful that feeling is, i just think about how i've been robbed. my sweet, affectionate playmate is gone. i've got no one who will kiss my forehead, or hold me tight when i'm upset, or playfully smack my ass in public, even though i look like i just climbed out of a cave that i've been hiding in for years. the hand i hold is gone. when he's sleepy he's not going to ask me to cuddle him and when i'm sleepy he's not going to tell me how sweet the "sleepy kitten voice" is. he's not going to tell the story of how a couple glasses of ice wine made me dance around the kitchen like a ballerina, followed shortly by him having to hold my hair as i threw up. he won't tell people stories that start with "my sweet wife" and end up with me being embarrassed. i've got no one to pose in sweet lovey pictures with. there's no one else who knows that the tuba is the quickest way to get me to california, and no one else who cares if i get there at all. i miss my husband. i miss him more every single day. i don't think i can do this. i can't cope with the loss of such a tremendous source of love. i can't just go back to the person i was before i met him. i'm no longer content to be independent. i want a partner to share adventures with.