Day 483

I'm not keeping this up very well. It's been a long road full of major bumps. Some days i feel like things are getting easier, and the next day i take 3 days back and feel like i've never felt worse in my life. I still haven't completely grasped it, that he's not here. that he's not coming back. I'll see something or hear somethign and for that split second i'll think "robert and i should do that". i miss him so much i can't put it into words. i miss his face and his voice, his hands, the feel of his hair. i miss waking up next to him, and holding his hand as we walk. do you know what you see ALL over the place at Target? Happy couples holding hands. They're everywhere. That used to be us.

I've just started the trial of reducing one of my meds. i want to be off them. i hate them and the way they make me feel if i miss one. i'll stay on whatever is absolutely necessary, but there are days when i think that's nothing. there are days when i know that it's not. there are days where i cant get certain images out of my head and my anxiety builds up, slowly now, not the flashes of it like i got before where it came on suddenly. and i'm bitter. i'm bitter about people who lie about having experienced this type of loss. and yes, they are out there. one day it will happen and you will understand that it's life shattering. it's not a means to get a few people to pat you on the back and soothe your ego.

So where am I in my grief? it depends on the day. Some days I'm deep in the muck. Some days I'm angry. Some days I'm almost normal, with a new veil of loss that somehow never goes away and tints everything I see and do. And some days I'm a crying mess... sometimes it's for a minute, sometimes an hour. Some days I can force myself to block it out. Most days I cant. I lost my whole world. The hole his absence left inside me won't ever be filled. I will never again be the person i was when i was with him.