Day 307

Christmas was unfathomably painful. It started as soon as Thanksgiving hit and the Christmas music started playing in every store I stepped in. I hadn't thought that Christmas would be that difficult, because ten months had passed. That was wishful thinking. Beyond wishful, really. I also went off my medication a couple of weeks before the holidays, which was, in hindsight, a terrible idea. I ended up with all kinds of physical withdrawal symptoms and felt generally miserable. The misery eased a bit as soon as the holiday passed. New Year's Eve will be hard. It puts my husband's passing into the "last year" category, even though a year hasn't yet passed. I hate the idea of that. i know it's all semantics, but it feels shitty. I also am terribly broken up over the idea of starting a new year without him. I was going to spend the night at home (wallowing), but decided to go see my friends band play. At least this way I'm likely to start the year with some happiness, instead of the ever-present overwhelming feeling of grief and loss. Just before Thanksgiving I also lost my therapist, as she moved out of state. I can still do phone sessions with her, but I haven't as of yet. We'll see what the new year brings in terms of my ability to cope and go from there.