Day 84

I feel like there will never really be that sense of joy that I had when I had Robert. Those little silly playful bits between us; they're just gone and they just wont ever be there again. That crushes me. our inside jokes, our secret ways of communicating without words, our goofy way of talking... how do those things just disappear into nothingness? Robert is, without a doubt, one of the smartest people I've ever met. He was also fun and silly and goofy, and quirky, and loving. He was the most amazing mix of characteristics that I know just doesn't exist in the world anymore. He taught me what an aglet is. i know that's a silly example, but it's something i remember. i want him back. i'm back in therapy and when my therapist asked me yesterday what my friends and family could do for me, i had to answer "nothing" because the only thing i want is my husband back and no one can give me that. on an related note, it feels good to be back in therapy. i mean, therapy is awful. i cry the entire time. my eyes burn from the tears and the wiping. but it feels good for someone to acknowledge that this shit isn't fair, that i'm super fucking depressed, and showing symptoms of other things that should be treated as well. that process, which i've been through before, is scary, because it means getting on a roller coaster that might last for months, and it's not a fun ride. on the upside, it's possible the roller coaster ride will be mild and short-lived, and in the end i will feel a million times better.