Day 64

First of all, can I say that I don't understand how it's already May? I feel like my year froze in February and the fact that the calendar keeps moving along makes no sense to me. I'm not ready for the summer. The nice weather will serve as a reminder of what's missing in my world. Having spent so many summers pushing through classes, I feel like Robert and I never got to spend a proper summer just enjoying each others company. We never made it to Put In Bay, which I swear I said I wanted to do every single year. Unfortunately, there's just no do-overs anymore. I have to start accepting that. Next week I'll be going to LA. This is a trip that was originally planned for Robert. I bought him tickets to both Cinquanta shows for Christmas, because he's a big Maynard fan. Now I find myself trying to sell those tickets, because I think going to those shows would be hard... and they were for him. I'm sure the entire trip will be blanketed with a sense of what's missing, although I hope maybe it will serve as a distraction and a few days respite from sadness. That's probably an awful lot to put onto the shoulders of a quick trip, but it is what it is. On another note, I finally received the autopsy report. It explained that my husband had suffered a complete blockage in his right coronary artery, and the left main artery was narrowed by "more than 95%". I feel some relief in knowing the details of what happened. I feel stupid for not realizing he was so sick. How did we not know his heart was so bad? Why was MY husband the one who had no symptoms and died suddenly? People have heart attacks everyday, and they go to the hospital, and they get treated, and they make lifestyle changes, and they live decades longer. Why did MY husband not get that chance? I know. It's irrational. I feel cheated.