update

it's been a while since i've blogged. Autumn mentioned it tonight and I've been meaning to blog for a while, even though I'm pretty sure no one bothers to stop by with the lack of updates... oh well, here goes...



It's been a weird time lately. I've made what feels like really good progress in certain aspects of my life, taken steps back in other aspects, and am left feeling somewhat lost...

First and foremost is the anxiety. I mentioned it briefly before... but I never struggled with anxiety the way I do now. It's all encompassing and, at times, totally debilitating. Panic attacks will leave me gasping for breath and praying, somehow, that I will eventually manage to get breath back into my lungs again. Whatever triggers the panic is replaced by the feeling of a thousand pound weight on my chest, preventing my lungs from expanding, my heart racing. Robert is good at helping me through the attacks as much as he can, but he's not always with me. I do minor things to try to cope with the hair-trigger anxiety like take a hot bath, drink some hot tea, try to "square breathe". it all works to varying degrees. nothing prevents the anxiety, and nothing resolves it entirely, but i'm doing my best to cope.

Secondary to the anxiety, and, almost surely, an ingredient of it, is the insomnia. I battled insomnia hardcore many years ago. Not working and thus not having a real schedule has fucked up my internal clock something fierce. It's to the point where I might be wide awake through the night until 7 am. I have an alarm set to go off every morning. weekday or weekend. I'm trying to force myself to stay on a schedule somewhat, but it's not helping. 2 hours of sleep or 6 hours of broken sleep, it doesn't matter. there's no feeling rested and renewed. and, of course, when you're struggling to sleep at 5...6...7 am, it's anxiety provoking, which just starts a cycle that i'm best off not getting caught up in. The irony of the insomnia is that i'm exhausted. i feel like i should be able to sleep at the drop of a hat, but i'm not. When I'm at roberts i do seem to be able to sleep half decent, and that's weird because most of the time he doesn't go to bed when i do. we'll both set out to watch a movie, i'll get sleepy as we watch and head to bed. he'll stay up to finish the movie and whatever other things he feels like doing before bed and will join me hours later. but i'll sleep solid, soundly, for those hours. and then usually a good few hours more once he's come to bed.

i know part of the exhaustion i'm feeling is from anemia. despite taking iron everyday, im sure i'm still anemic. i'm just too run down feeling... add to it the ice cold hands and feet, that constantly fall asleep, the pale/yellow-y complexion, and the chest pain at the most minor excursion and i'm sure my iron's got to still be low.

in a week and a half i lose my health insurance, so tomorrow i've scheduled a doctors appointment where i will hopefully get a better solution to my anemia than "take more iron pills" which would seriously send me into a full blown meltdown, and will also get a plan in place to get back on (and stay on) my psych meds.

all this said, i do feel like i've been functioning relatively well despite the anxiety/exhaustion/insomnia. my class is nearly done (2 more classes) and i will hopefully pull off a passing grade, and robert and i have moved mountains in getting my condo back in shape. it's not yet a zen temple of peace for me, but it's getting there...

and now, i'm going to end this. i'm not going to read it back to see if it makes sense, or flows correctly or whatever. i'm going to post it, and try to sleep.